Pirates And Ninja

August 29th, 2004 was the last day I had two thumbs.  ‘The Wife’ and I had been married for a little over a month when she went left me at home for a week by myself as I she needed to go to Arizona on a work trip.  Since her family lives there as well she would normally spend the weekends on these trips with her parents to get a nice visit out of it, on the company’s dollar.

We had been talking about painting the ‘rec room’ in the basement.  It is the room where my TV lives and where we spend most of our free time.  I came up with a plan to do all the work in the basement and surprise her when she got home (my version of ‘While You Were Out’).  Well she was sure surprised.

Things went pretty well according to plan.  Guinness was just over a year old and I needed to play with him and make sure he was pretty tired before I could do anything productive after work.  The first night I needed to prep the walls, taking off door knobs, outlet covers and door wall repairs with my trusty tub of drywall compound.  On day 2 I needed to sand all my wall repairs and paint the stucco ceiling (let’s just say painting stippled ceilings will be a rant one day).  The next night I primed all the walls (with grey primer since we were painting the walls red -> a tip from me to you).  Each of the following nights I did coats of ‘Fiery Terracotta’ the paint I picked out (‘The Wife’ had mentioned that she wanted to paint the room Terracotta, as a man I had no idea what colour this was other then it being some sort of red/orange kind of thing.  When looking through the paint samples at my favourite store, Home Depot, I picked out the only one that I found that even had the word terracotta in it.  Word on the street is that ‘Fiery Terracotta’ is significantly more red then regular flavour terracotta, which is more orange.  It looks good to me).   

Over the last few days I replaced the old plugs and switches, installed pot lights and a dimmer for the bar area (I wanted to get the dimmer switch with the remote control but I knew I would be dead for spending 80 bucks on a light switch) and cut out and framed a section of wall behind the bar that I always imagined I could get a full size fridge in (after some modifications to a heat vent pipe with a hammer … I was right).  On the final day I just need to install the new baseboards and get the room cleaned up and get the furniture back in order.  I also needed to pick ‘The Wife’ up at the airport sometime around 7pm.

Things were coming together like a plan from Hannibal.  ‘The Neighbour Guy’ let me use his mitre saw and nail gun so doing baseboard was a breeze.  I had most of the room done by early afternoon.  With 2 pieces of baseboard left disaster struck.  If you are squeamish you may want to skip the next couple of paragraphs.  The exact details are a little sketchy, I was holding the piece of wood against the back guard of the saw and as I came down with the saw to make my next cut the piece slid forward.  At first I was stunned, I wasn’t sure what happened but I knew something wasn’t right.  The thumb of my left hand felt really hot.  I looked at it and there was blood.  My first reaction was to … (honestly you may not want to read this part) … stick my thumb in my mouth and suck on it, like you would any boo-boo.  This is when I realized that I had cut the end of my thumb off (at a perfect 45 degree angle might I add!). 

I ran around like an idiot for a minute not really knowing what to do (there was a trail of blood on the carpet to prove it).  I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my hand.  I ran outside to see if there was anyone around to drive me to the hospital.  This search was unsuccessful so I grabbed my keys and wallet (gotta have your license and health card!) and drove myself to the hospital.  I actually don’t remember much of this drive but I got there in one piece.  At the emergency admin desk the woman asked what my problem was, I responded ‘It seems I have cut my thumb off with a power tool’.  She told be to take a seat.  While waiting to be evaluated (in pretty decent pain and bleeding pretty good) I realized that I left the dog at home and it was almost time for his dinner.  I called my sister and asked if she could make sure he got fed … she then got mad at me for not calling her about being in the hospital.

I got called pretty soon after I got off the phone.  I sat in the ‘evaluation chair’ and a nurse asked me a bunch of questions took my vitals and eventually unwrapped my hand.  I didn’t look.  She made a noise like it was not good.  I was sent to get x-rays and then to a different room.  Around here, my sister showed up.  She isn’t phased at gore at all so she wanted to have a look at the thumb and she also had a look at my x-rays.  Another nurse came by and asked if I had been given anything for the pain, I replied “I don’t deserve anything”.  I felt pretty stupid about what happened.

Eventually I was seen by a doctor and scheduled for surgery the next day with the plastic surgeon (interesting aside, at the beginning of that year ‘The Wife’ drove a steak knife through her hand while trying to get candle wax out of a glass holder … we have the same plastic surgeon … on one of my checkups he said to the wife that she seemed familiar, she told him that he had operated on her earlier in the year.  Later this doctor would ask her ‘When are you guys having kids, I need a yacht’).  They packed my hand to keep it moist, put my arm in a sling to keep it immobile and sent me home with only some Tylenol 3. 

My brother in law drove me to the airport, we were a little late to pick up ‘The Wife’.  I saw her in the new arrivals area and she didn’t really too impressed.  Apparently she thought I was playing some sort of joke because I was late.  When she realized it wasn’t a joke she felt pretty bad (and sorry for me).  We got home and I showed her the work in basement (and the trail of blood on the carpet and the splatter on my newly painted ceiling).  It didn’t really feel like a surprise any more, I had ruined it. 

The next day I had surgery on my thumb.  I had cut some of the bone and lost all of the fingernail.  I am not sure what was administered to me before the surgery but it was fantastic.  They didn’t put me under but I have never been so happy and peaceful in my entire life especially while someone was shaving down a bone.

This is why I am now known as Thumbs (abbreviated from OneAndThreeQuartreThumbs) around the internet, I even have the poker visor to prove it.

Why is this story relevant right now?  Well as I speak they are installing carpet in the basement at the house.  I spent all weekend removing carpet, under padding and above mentioned ‘baseboards’.  When I get home, not even two years later, I will have to face my old nemesis and re-perform the task that took my thumb … assuming I am man enough to look the devil in it’s eyes (I guess saw-tooth filled mouth would be more appropriate).